“Beyond watching eyes with sweet and tender kisses our soul’s reached out to each other in breathless wonder and when I awoke from a vast and smiling place I found you bathed in morning light quietly studying all the messages in my phone.” – Banksy (French Street Artist)
I read these words about 10 months ago when I first arrived at North Kern State Prison, just another of my seemingly endless stops during my current incarceration and it made me laugh. I wrote it down on a scratch piece of paper knowing that down the road I’d use it someway. For a while I had planned on using it for a Valentines Day blog/journal entry but as the day came and passed the inspiration for writing said entry never struck. So here I am over a month later finally picking up my pen and putting words to paper. Writing about love and loss, prison and freedom, loyalty and betrayal and how all of those things came to hold so many different meanings and interpretations. How it seems that everything in life has the “small print” and such lofty expectations. How I will never look at “love” the same. How you would likely feel the same if you stood in my shoes.
Everyday in this place you hear of another fella losing their girl. Just one day they stop writing or stop answering the phone. The story is always the same… it is just too hard. And I can understand that fully, because when y’all met we weren’t in prison. Things were totally different, right?
Yes, right. Totally different.
Unfortunately it seems as though now-a-days it does not only include prison, it goes so much deeper. Maybe you gained 30 pounds or you work too much. Maybe you don’t wanna have sex enough or you don’t wanna be a stay at home mother. Or you’re losing your hair or you don’t make enough money. Maybe you’re just not young or sexy enough anymore. It could even be something as little as not picking up your socks or going grocery shopping together on Sundays. IT could be anything that just makes things… too hard.
Rihanna and Chris Brown.
I love the fact that they have gotten back together. I think that it is really just very powerful and has such a redeeming quality about it. I am in no way condoning domestic violence or trying to negate the past by supporting this. I actually am constantly blown away by the stupidity and immaturity of Chris Brown with his words and actions, but I find it nice to realize that it is okay to be human. It is okay to make a mistake and to get past it. I find it magical that she can forgive him and he can have the courage to fix it as well. I think that what they do is for them to decide, and whether or not things work out this time around, that too is their business.
Now I bring this up because during this time there has been so many times that I just stop hearing from people; people that for so long I considered close friends and even more than that and the days go by and the weeks pass until you become accepting of the fact that you are no longer a priority, no longer have relevance. I’ve even heard that “I was gonna wait till you were closer to getting out before I wrote” line of reasoning too. Like the years prior to that don’t matter at all. And it brings me back to where I started.
Love and loss, prison and freedom, loyalty and betrayal, and how all of those things come to hold so many different meanings and interpretations. So often people fight. So often people cheat and lie. So often people simply just fuck things up.
But far too often we are judged far too severely for our transgressions.
I think that people seem to believe that by judging others and finding fault or “guilt” in others it makes them feel superior. It makes them feel as though they are better than.
And this brings me back to Chris Brown and Rihanna. I think the only people that can decide what happens in that relationship is Chris and Rihanna and more power to them.
I know that I am far from perfect and I know that if I hold former friends and lovers actions against my friends and lovers actions in the future I’m just gonna be miserable. Cuz love is a verb, noun and adjective. It is up and down, right and wrong.
And I’ve also come to realize that although we must be willing to overlook certain things and forgive mistakes big and small, we must also learn to decipher which of those things or which of those people we must also leave behind. We gotta learn that at the end of the day the most important love to us all is the love we have for ourselves. Because we must always remember…
As long as we got ourselves we are never alone.
Till next time, KEEP ON RICH ROLLIN’!
- Daniel Dart
Song for this diary,
Artist: Taylor Swift
Song: We Are Never Getting Back Together