“The blues is an act of ambiguity, an assertion of the irrepressibly human over all circumstances, whether created by others or by one’s own human failings.” - Ralph Ellison
Somedays I get the blues. Its hits me like an uppercut to the jaw and knocks me to my ass. Today has been one of those days. It is day 19 of C.T.Q. ( confined to quarters) at the new prison I’ve been transferred to and spending 24 hours in the cell the size of a bathroom is taking a toll on my spirits. No movements, no sunlight, no phone calls, no nothing. Breakfast tray slid into the cell at 10 am, dinner tray slid into cell at 4 pm. Upon arrival we were told we would be on C.T.Q. for more no than 14 days, but as usual, that has not been the case. So I had mentally prepared myself for 14 days, and now at 19 it is disappointing to say the least. To think that almost a month has past is a bit crazy to really fully comprehend. Even crazier is the fact that every single day is another day closer to coming home. I feel like I am walking across the Sahara desert and all around me is sand. Everyday i see the same thing, sand dunes that appear identical mile after mile. With every step I take it feels like as if I’m getting nowhere. Like i will never get out of the desert. Yet that is only in my head, because from the outside looking in everyday and every step is getting me closer to the other side. Although to me every sand dune may appear the same, they are not. Although everyday in prison feels the same, they are not. One day I will walk out of the desert, one day I will make it across a seemingly endless journey. So I must fully appreciate the blues for what they are. I got to relish the fact that it is the blues that make me reflect on the good as well as the bad. Although doing so is not always as easy as saying so. Sometimes my mind can runaway from me, so during those times I do my best to occupy it with something. How I do that right now has been staying busy with what I have at my disposal. I have a cell, I have a bar of soap, I have a toilet. I have multiple state issued toothbrushes. I have an outrageous amount of free time.
So what do I do?
I literally clean the entire cell with a bar of soap, a towel, and a toothbrush. I make the most of it. After an hour of scrubbing, my cellmate “Realize” scrubs and I talk shit, then after another hour, I scrub and he talks shit. We laugh and bullshit and before you know it, 7 hours have past. We had a fun time too. I can already see myself telling this exact story 10 years from now and laughing, cuz really, it is not too bad. We have to always practice the mentality of focusing on what we do have and being grateful for that and not being troubled by what we don’t have. If I spent all day being sad and angry because of all I don’t have, I would have been a suicidal wreck. I focus on the positive, so instead I’m a hopeful, mostly happy wreck! HAHA! I’m a guy that doesn’t take himself too seriously, and I’m grateful for that. Sometimes it is good to have the blues. Sometimes it is good to make mistakes. Think about the famous story of Michael Jordan being cut from his high school basketball team. Just imagine if he let that failure keep him from trying again the following year? Think of how many of us have had our hearts broken just to go on and meet someone ten times better? I like to think that someday years from now I’ll have a family and one day my kids will run through the house and track mud all over everything. They’ll look at me with the uh-oh, oops face. And I’ll look at them and smile, cuz I’ll know there is no place I’d rather be, and nothing I’d rather be doing more, then cleaning up after them. I spend these days in this cell, having the blues and counting the minutes. I spend these days in this cell, cleaning and cleaning. I spend these days in this cell, thinking of all the great things in life I will never take for granted. I spend these days in this cell, doing everything I can do to make myself a better man. I use this time here and this pen and pad to confess in the blues Confess in the blues and step back, slow down and enjoy the ride. Till next time KEEP ON RICH ROLLIN.
As I confess in the blues- DART
Song for this diary
Artist: Phil Collins
Title:Another day in Paradise