I woke up this morning and went for a run. Heading out into the light fog I needed to get out the stress that’s crept into my shoulders and neck lately. I’ve been lying awake – restless - wondering what the answers are. How can I make the world a better place? How can I navigate without a map? Should I chart my own course? I’m always thinking – obsessing - which is why this morning I ran twice as hard.
My legs began to burn and my lungs were on fire as I pushed harder. I was floating in the sky looking down on myself as I came around the final corner and sprinted back down Western Ave. I had to let it go, let the energy out. I had to tire my demons out before I began work for the day. I wish you could see all the hard work I’m doing.
I wonder if this is my only life. As I showered I wondered if I would ever get another chance to do things again. I know I won’t but nonetheless my mind tried to figure out how I would do things better next time. I would study more in high school. I might not get as many tattoos. Who am I kidding? I probably wouldn’t change a thing. This is what worries me, and at the same time makes me smile. I love the contradiction I see in myself - and in everyone else too. I love it because it’s what makes us so undeniably human – our inability to use logic when it comes to matters of the heart. We must put our hand on the hot stove – again and again.
I know tomorrow could change everything. The phone could ring. Her voice could come through the line, “hello?” Everything could change. I hope everyday. Tomorrow could change everything. It is the most powerful word in the world, “Hello.” It is the word that begins it all. It is the beginning. We know that before we ever reach a destination we must first leave the last. We must first begin.
“Hello?” She answers, knowing it’s me.
I remember her voice. The thought of it makes me smile. “Hello” I say out loud, to no one but myself. I find myself smiling. This is why I run. Memories of yesterday carry us through today. Bad memories remind us to do well. Sad memories remind us why we left. Good memories remind us why we smile. And new memories are the goal we keep chasing. I will run tomorrow.
I sit down at my desk tonight. I finished my day. I worked on multiple projects, feel good, wishing I could take snap shot my day and present it to you like a gift. I open my computer and decide I need to write something. Write something for you. It is my pact; my promise. Not to you, but to myself.
I turn up my music and close my eyes. I breathe deep. I hear the traffic outside my window. I wonder where all the cars are going. Do their drivers write for someone too? I bet they do. I know they do. We all write for someone. I breathe deep again and start to think about tomorrow. What do I have to do? What things will take priority? Where should I begin? But I know exactly where I will begin…
I will begin with a run for her.