She felt the sand from the beach lightly kiss her face as she walked along the waterline. It was almost midnight but she had to go for a walk, she had to breathe and get out of her head, just to think a little a bit. She needed to go for a walk. She needed a lot of walks lately. Life had been confusing her.
She thought she knew what she wanted when she was younger. She thought she had it figured out, but as she began to hit middle age she realized she didn’t have the answers she thought she did. She wasn’t even sure she was asking the right questions. She felt lost, like she chose going left at the fork in the road when she had needed to go right.
As she walked she slowly began to go back, back to yesterday, back to yesteryear. Wondering what it was that brought her here, how was the question she needed to answer. How had she been wrong all along? Was it a test of the universe?
She found her thoughts slowly returning to him, wondering where he was right at this moment. She hadn’t looked him up in a while, but still she felt she knew him. She felt like she would always know him even if she didn’t look him up, even if she didn’t hear his voice. He was a constant. He was one of the only things she knew for sure.
Even though she no longer knew him at all.
She knew if she saw a picture of him; that he would be smiling. She knew if she spoke to him he would be in a good mood, no matter how tough a day he’d had. She knew, without a doubt, that he believed in her, even when she didn’t believe in herself. She knew he loved her, even before she loved herself.
For so many years she thought so many of her friends were more important than they turned out to be, she thought they were more important than herself. She chose them over everything, only to find they wouldn’t do the same for her. She didn’t understand who her true friends were, until the fake ones faded away. How, not all that glitters is gold, not all of her friends were really in her corner. The world has designs of it’s own.
She continued to walk thinking of these things, yet still returning to thoughts of him. Yet now she was smiling, and she began to giggle to herself.
She thought of him and what he would say to her on a night like this… that she was the sun and the moon. That she was ‘‘magic in a bottle.’’ How he would want her to know that she was perfect in all her nonsensical glory. That it’s okay to have hard days, it is okay to fall down. It is okay to fail.
His voice would sooth her, and his demeanor and eternal optimism would wash away her feelings of insecurity.
She realized she was no longer walking; she was standing on the beach just staring at the moon. The moon that was in the same sky he was under, and she felt okay. She was okay. She would go home and go to sleep, and wake up tomorrow and try again. Try to have the best day she could, because she knew the best gift she could give him, would be to do the best she could, every single day.
Maybe one day, through fate, or by design, they would come together again, and she would tell him, “I did the best I could.’’
And he would simply smile and reply, “I always knew you would.”